The rebranding proposed by Facebook comes at a crucial time for the company. On the one hand, Mark Zuckerberg’s growing attention to the “metaverse” seems to suggest that he has ambitions far beyond the simple destruction of all non-Facebook industries on the planet. But at the same time, he must also unveil this new unstoppable death machine without scaring too many regular Facebook users. How will he be able to handle such an impossible high-flying act? Here are some suggestions.
1. Get rid of vowels
Much of Facebook’s rebranding will apparently be the announcement of a new generic name, much like when Google launched “Alphabet” to show that it has moved away from the business model of helping sad men in the world. middle-aged stalking their college girlfriends at 2 a.m. “Horizon” has been touted as Facebook’s new generic name, but in my opinion, it’s both too bland and too far removed from the origins of the company. Instead, let’s just drop all the vowels and call it FCBK. Yes that would be using the kind of textual language that has been gone for a decade and a half and, yes, at first glance it looks like there is a new company called “Fuckbook”. But it’s Facebook, remember. What were you expecting? The competence ?
2. Get a cool new logo
Right now, Facebook is exclusively used by very old people who only use the site for two things: inadvertently radicalizing into a right-wing populist hell state and posting ten-year-old cat memes. That would be nice, but these people are dying at a terrific rate, and Facebook needs new users to replace them. The fastest way to do this would be to update your logo. Facebook has always been very conservative in this regard, never straying from its simple blue and white aesthetic. But do you know what kids like? That’s right, the graffiti. And rock music. And surfboards, and the Biker Mice of Mars. Let’s get a brand new logo that looks like it was scribbled on a store window by a punk. The children will come back en masse. Cowabunga!
3. Self-deleting content
Do you know what could help improve Facebook’s reputation? Deletion of everyone’s photos after 10 years. Imagine how much better the world would be without being constantly reminded that while on vacation in 2007 you drank too much Jägerbombs and stuck your ass out in a police station. Imagine being reminded that you were wearing the wrong clothes, had a bad haircut, and spent too much time posturing online. Imagine being able to permanently assassinate every past version of yourself, allowing you to fully inhabit the present. What a wonderful world that would be.
4. Stop being so awful
I’m just spitting here, but if you really wanted to switch brands, you can try tightening up Facebook Marketplace to deter scammers. You could stop selling data to questionable political groups. Stop diverting money from publishers who need it to survive. Stop being a tool for disinformation. Stop erasing the sanity of young users. Stop structuring your business model in a way that actively rewards outrage, causing irreparable schisms in society. Stop focusing on growth for the sake of growth and start trying to be more responsible. Stop that. Stop it all. Stop being the worst thing in the world. Stop. You know, maybe?
5. Go back to throwing sheep and stinging people
They were simpler times, weren’t they? Remember when you could throw sheep at people on Facebook for no real reason and “push” them in a weirdly suggestive way? It was truly the golden age of Facebook. And, of course, in 2021, throwing a virtual sheep on Facebook or stinging someone would likely end up inadvertently causing some sort of Megabrexit, but it couldn’t be worse than it is today.